||[Jan. 22nd, 2014|06:28 am]
I can't remember a period in my life when I've been happy . The only good friends I've had were from elementary school. I always thought things would get better, because that's what they say, but at this point I've pretty much given up on that. I had high hopes for college because that's when you're really supposed to find your people, but college was so lonely. I don't think I know how to make a real friend anymore. I get along with people just fine, I just can't really connect with anyone. The closest I've been with another person was my last boyfriend, and he treated me terribly (so what does that say about me?). I was so in love with him regardless, but he just wasn't that into me and it broke my heart. Still, we dated for 20 months (it would have been shorter if it were up to him). I have a terrible sense of self worth. I'm not terribly attractive or smart or talented. Most people probably think of me as boring and awkward. The only people who seem to be interested in me are interested sexually. I am so depressed and don't have anyone to talk to about it. My boyfriend has no idea, I'm pretty sure. I don't think he would want me to tell him either. We've been dating for over a year, and I feel like we hardly know each other. I think the main reason why he likes me is because I'm so submissive (I mean outside of the bedroom, although I am sexually too, but that's another story). I never argue with him, and I'm always doing stuff for him. But honestly, I can't think of any examples of him doing anything sweet or romantic for me. He does compliment me sometimes, but when it comes to actual sacrifice, no way. And I feel awful for saying these things about him because he's much nicer than my last boyfriend, and I do love him. But the mason reason why I'm still with him is because I'm afraid to break up with him. Both my current boyfriend and my ex are rapists. This is a terrible burden to bear, because of course rape is terrible. My ex was accused of rape, and he thinks it wasn't rape even though he knows the girl thought it was. My current boyfriend confessed to me that he raped his virgin ex girlfriend while he was dating another girl. And I feel like I'm a bad person for loving them anyway.|
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