?

Log in

thepassword2 [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
thepassword2

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

(no subject) [Jan. 22nd, 2014|06:28 am]
thepassword2
I can't remember a period in my life when I've been happy . The only good friends I've had were from elementary school. I always thought things would get better, because that's what they say, but at this point I've pretty much given up on that. I had high hopes for college because that's when you're really supposed to find your people, but college was so lonely. I don't think I know how to make a real friend anymore. I get along with people just fine, I just can't really connect with anyone. The closest I've been with another person was my last boyfriend, and he treated me terribly (so what does that say about me?). I was so in love with him regardless, but he just wasn't that into me and it broke my heart. Still, we dated for 20 months (it would have been shorter if it were up to him). I have a terrible sense of self worth. I'm not terribly attractive or smart or talented. Most people probably think of me as boring and awkward. The only people who seem to be interested in me are interested sexually. I am so depressed and don't have anyone to talk to about it. My boyfriend has no idea, I'm pretty sure. I don't think he would want me to tell him either. We've been dating for over a year, and I feel like we hardly know each other. I think the main reason why he likes me is because I'm so submissive (I mean outside of the bedroom, although I am sexually too, but that's another story). I never argue with him, and I'm always doing stuff for him. But honestly, I can't think of any examples of him doing anything sweet or romantic for me. He does compliment me sometimes, but when it comes to actual sacrifice, no way. And I feel awful for saying these things about him because he's much nicer than my last boyfriend, and I do love him. But the mason reason why I'm still with him is because I'm afraid to break up with him. Both my current boyfriend and my ex are rapists. This is a terrible burden to bear, because of course rape is terrible. My ex was accused of rape, and he thinks it wasn't rape even though he knows the girl thought it was. My current boyfriend confessed to me that he raped his virgin ex girlfriend while he was dating another girl. And I feel like I'm a bad person for loving them anyway.


Posted via m.livejournal.com.

LinkLeave a comment

first kiss [Nov. 25th, 2013|03:35 pm]
thepassword2
i first kissed (with tongues) this summer. Awful vacation.right time to get drunk.i did.with 36 years old guy.we talked nonsenses about how lonely and weird we both feel over there.we were feeling so sorry for each other we hugged.then he gave me small kiss on cheek,said he would go for me if he would be twenty years younger.he put my hair out of my face,i did same thing with his.and then,the heat of the moment came.we got close and he suddenly looked so beautiful to me.we kissed,we played with tongues.almost no one knows.it feels so good and bad at one time.nothing else happened,only kiss,but im 14 and i regret i wasted my only first kiss like that
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Nov. 5th, 2013|10:50 pm]
thepassword2
I've been in a happy relationship for over a year now but recently my boyfriend moved a couple hours away. I have also had a huge crush on a guy that lives on the other side of the world for 3 years now and I can't tell if I have strong feelings for him or of I'm just lonely. I think it's the earlier. Oh god I feel terrible. Just have to hide the feelings though and swallow my tongue. 
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Oct. 29th, 2013|07:39 pm]
thepassword2
[Current Location |rUSSIA]

HELLO BECAUSE WHAT TIME THERE ARE THING YOU CAN DO LITTLE IS MAKING POOP
LinkLeave a comment

(no subject) [Oct. 11th, 2013|12:23 am]
thepassword2
I'm in love with my friend. He has a girlfriend and now I hardly ever see him. I really miss him..
LinkLeave a comment

I hurt the only real family member I will ever have. [Aug. 26th, 2013|04:04 am]
thepassword2
I grew up in the Circus and my dad was the only real family I had. My dad was a trapeze artist like me and I was 12 years old when he started to bring a belt when I was training and he would beat me for no reason. Everyone knew about this but there was nothing that they could do as he one of the main guys running the show and they would be at risk of being out of a job if they got in his way. This went on till I was fifteen and I never stood up for myself because I knew that he could get rid of me and then I would be alone without the people that I consider my family.
One day he after a show he was extremely angry with how myself and one of the girls had done a particular move too fast compared to how he wanted it done. She stood up for me and explained that it was impossible to slow it down with out one of us falling to the ground. He asked me if it could be done and I had to say that it could just so that he wouldn't beat me later. He wanted to show them how to do it so he and I climbed up and started the routine. As he was in mid air coming towards me I was supposed to reach out and grab him at the last second so that in front of an audience it would look daring and exiting. I could have easily grabbed him but I decided not reach out fully and let him drop. He broke both of his legs and was screaming in pain and when I think back it still puts a horrible amount of fear inside of me. I literally jumped down of my platform and ran. Some people tried to stop me and shouted that it would be ok but I knew differently. I can still remember running to my little room, putting on my huge winter coat and grabbing some money and running away with people shouting and crying for me to come back as a ran across the fields towards the town.
Up until this point  I had never been on my own for more than a few minutes if I was away from the Circus and I had no idea where I was or what to do so I just found cafe that was open through the night and planned on staying there till the morning and getting a bus somewhere., maybe even find a new Circus to work at. The real boss found me after about 30 minutes with the girl that I worked with and told me that my dad had been taken to hospital and I had to come back to the tent as everyone was waiting for me. When we got there nobody ever suggested or implied that I had done it on purpose but they all knew. I told them that I wanted to leave before my dad came back but they said they wouldn't allow it and I burst into tears just out of fear. I had always kept my emotions to myself but I couldn't help it. They said that the only option was to leave my dad behind when we moved on.
The rumour is that he is back to working with big cats in the east but I try not to think of it. If it is true it won't be too long before one of them can't take it any more and stands up to him.
LinkLeave a comment

she makes me feel special.. [Aug. 26th, 2013|01:06 am]
thepassword2
I was always wondering what it whas what made me like her, or what i like about here. Now I realized it tough. Whenever I am with her, she makes me feel like the good person. And she is willing to play the "devil" part of me, so that I can be for once and for real the "angel". Thank you and I love you! You truely are the best friend. As an "Angel" I'm scared to tell you, because I don't want to loose the "devil"-part of my life. I love you.
LinkLeave a comment

messed up family [Jul. 18th, 2013|09:23 pm]
thepassword2
When I was a little girl, my father raped me. I was young enough that I didn't understand what was going on, let alone the fact that it was wrong. When I was about 7, he dipped out on me, and that was the end of it.
I didn't tell anyone until much later in my life.

I've always known that I had 2 younger brothers, but I have never met them, nor have any desire to.
One of my coworkers married my cousin on my father's side of the family - the only person on that half of my family that I will even tolerate.
A few weeks ago, she came to me and told me that one of my brothers is a registered sex offender. He raped a woman in a different state, and molested a 2 year old little girl.
Since then I've been wracked with guilt... I kept thinking that if I had just told someone what my father did to me, then he wouldn't have been allowed to be around my brothers, and maybe my brother wouldn't have turned out like this. Maybe if I had told, that little girl wouldn't have gotten hurt. I felt that it was somehow MY fault that a child was hurt like that, and I've been hating myself for it.

That came coworker came to me today to tell me that my brother was arrested this morning. He's been living in this state for 2 years and hadn't registered as an offender.

My father is the person who turned him in.
Part of me can't wrap my head around the fact that my father did something right for a change...
But another part of me can't help but wonder if he turned in my brother because he felt guilty for what he did to me
I'll never know the answer to that question... and I don't know how to feel about it
LinkLeave a comment

Goodbye [Jul. 3rd, 2013|02:58 am]
thepassword2
If I had the guts to say this to your face...well I wish I were that brave.  But if I could, I would tell you how amazing I think you are. You are incredible, so sweet and caring and I know you don't think anyone knows this, but you're sensitive and compassionate as well. Although these qualities have stolen my heart, I have to admit it was your smile that first captivated me. There is something about how your blue eyes sparkle when you laugh, and how your face lights up a room when you smile. It drives me crazy just being in the same room as you, just talking to you makes my heart ache. I wanted you, but more then that, I wanted "us." But instead all there is stumbled words and sweaty palms when your around. I couldn't handle it anymore so I tried to put some distance in between us. I didn't think you'd notice, or even think you would mind. But you broke my heart when you called me out on it, I can't stand the thought of hurting you but can't stand the feeling of my constantly aching for you. I will always hold you in my heart as someone special, but I need to move on. Maybe one day I will be able to find the strength to be friends again but for now I have to protect my heart first... Goodbye. 
LinkLeave a comment

It's life. [Jun. 6th, 2013|06:48 pm]
thepassword2
He's the reason why I'm moving out of town. I can't stop myself from being with him while he says that he doesn't want to miss an opportunity with another girl if he's in a relationship with me.
LinkLeave a comment

navigation
[ viewing | 10 entries back ]
[ go | earlier/later ]